Why is it So Hard to Find a Life Partner?
Most people, if not all, want to have a partner for life. Humans are social beings. Meaning, the desire to find someone to be with is hardwired in our brains. Our being ‘sociable’ is a result of the human evolution. Back in the Stone Age, loners don’t make it through their enemies. They need someone they can depend on, day and night. Having a partner is also critical for our well-being. Years of research have shown that married people are generally happier than their non-married peers. Having someone to love and someone who loves you gives you a greater sense of satisfaction and self-worth.
The problem is – finding a partner is hard. Whilst it may look simple from the perspective of a happily married couple, for thousands of people, finding the person to spend their life with appears to be a roller coaster ride. Why?
Trial and Error Doesn’t Always Work
The operant conditioning theory states that we are likely to repeat a behaviour that brings us a positive feeling whilst reject those that bring us pain. Some people don’t seem to strive harder in finding a mate because there are some aspects of dating and relationship that they don’t like. For example, a woman finds it hard to look for a mate because she is overwhelmed with the negative perceptions about marriage.
Past negative experiences also discourage people from finding a partner. For example, a boy who has been rejected by his first love can sustain psychological trauma and may be discouraged to date another girl again. Or, seeing his parents go through divorce could negatively impact his perception on marriage. As a result, he may no longer strive harder to find a partner for life.
People who were left by their romantic partners may lose their confidence, believe that something is wrong with them, and might be discouraged to try finding another person to be with. Whilst they may be able to find new relationships, there’s a possibility that it may not last. This doesn’t mean however that they no longer want to be in a relationship. As mentioned, it is a basic human nature to fall in love and find a mate. The problem is that everything they tried before was not reinforcing because it hasn’t worked for them during their first attempt.
Differences Matter
Not everyone finds dating enjoyable. Some people are introverts whilst some have social anxiety that they would rather stay alone for the rest of their lives than to meet a kind stranger. Other people find coffeehouses boring and some find dating to be very time-consuming. People who are in very stressful jobs or those who have children may find it really hard to find time for their lonely heart. It is sometimes very difficult to find someone who shares the same interests with you. You’re not probably the sweet type whilst your suitor likes to have a fairy tale-like love story. A man doesn’t want commitment yet but the girl he’s dating wants to get married soon and have children. Conflicts in interests often make a huge barrier for individuals looking to find a life partner.
Dating and Technology
With the proliferation of the social media, who would say that finding a mate is difficult? Online dating sites are widespread. It takes away the geographical boundaries that separate people from around the world. Through the internet, they can find the person who has the same interests with them by simply following conversation topics and joining chat rooms. But what is the downside of this? According to Nicole B. Ellison, Ph.D., an associate professor of information at the University of Michigan in Ann Arbor, many social media sites encourage people to treat dating options like shopping experience. Today, before a person finally talks to a potential mate, he or she conducts a screening first – reading their profile information, checking out their photos, favourites, etc. How about assessing whether they have a ‘connection’ or whether they will prosper as a couple? That’s really difficult to assess online. Nothing beats the traditional dating wherein you get to meet the person, see his feelings through his facial expressions, find out his depth through his words, and know who he really is by listening to his stories.
Conclusion
Finding a life partner is difficult for many reasons. First, once people experienced the negative consequence of a certain thing, they become afraid to try it again. This means if they had a negative experience with dating in the past, they get scared of dating as a whole. Differences also make it hard for people to find a life partner. There are just so many people to meet that it has become so difficult trying to find someone who they can deeply connect with. All these are aggravated by the modern way of meeting people. Today, people can find friends, even partners without having to meet them personally in the first place. But just like all other emotional struggles, the challenges that come with finding a partner for life can be effectively dealt with. As a psychologist, Dr Frederic Neumann, wrote, “If people can be persuaded not to be proud and not to be fearful, there are plenty of opportunities to find someone to share their lives with”.
What were the issues you had with dating in the past? How were you able to overcome them? We’d love to hear your story. Share your comment below.
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