Understanding Passive Aggressive Behaviour
Whilst passive aggressive behaviour may have different forms, it is the indirect expression of hostility. You demonstrate this kind of behaviour when you are angry with someone but couldn’t tell them. As a result, you resort to various ways to show that you are upset, irritated, annoyed or disappointed, such as giving the person a cold shoulder, pretending not to see, hear or understand their request, behaving beneath the customary standard, refusing to engage, and so on.
In relationships, passive aggressive behaviour is often used to avoid direct confrontation of short-term conflicts. However, it may cause serious problems in the long run, and may lead to a more destructive pattern of behaviours.
Five Levels of Passive Aggressive Behaviour
Do you have a friend or a loved one who shows passive aggressive behaviour? If yes, you may be familiar with their behaviour patterns. In the book The Angry Smile, Nicholas James tackled the five distinct pathological levels of passive aggression.
Temporary Compliance – the first level is the temporary compliance in which the passive aggressive person complies with a request, but behaviourally delays it, such as waiting for several hours before complying with the request.
Intentional Inefficiency – here, the person still complies, but performs it in an unacceptable manner.
Letting a problem escalate – in this stage, the person uses inaction to allow a foreseeable problem to escalate and takes pleasure in the resulting anguish.
Hidden but conscious revenge – here, the passive aggressive person makes a deliberate decision or hidden action to get back at someone. Examples are sabotaging the slide presentation of a colleague, hiding the TV’s remote control, and hiding one’s car keys so he or she couldn’t drive to work.
Self-depreciation – in this level, the passive aggressive person choose to engage in a self-destructive behaviour to seek vengeance. He or she may develop learned helplessness – continually acting like they can’t help themselves.
Confronting a Passive Aggressive Person
The first step in confronting passive aggressive behaviour is identifying the hidden expressions of anger. Some of the most common passive aggressive behaviours include silent treatment, sulking and withdrawal, pretending not to sense or hear a request, and procrastination.
The ability to recognise passive aggressive behaviours allows you to make a choice not to engage and be affected by the other person’s behaviour. Then, point out that you know they are angry. One of the best ways to confront a passive aggressive person is to affirm their anger in a factual and non-judgmental way. For example, you can say “It seems to me that you are angry at me for making this request…” Take note, however, that the passive aggressive person will most likely deny that he or she is angry, upset or disappointed. And when he or she does, you don’t have to argue but acknowledge and accept their response. They may not say anything but deep within, they know you are being aware of why they are acting that way. By simply letting them know that you recognise the feelings behind their negative behaviour, you are gently telling them that the passive aggressive behaviour is detrimental to your relationship, and needs to be changed.
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