Toxic Habits that Destroy a Marriage

Rebecca Lewis September 25, 2014

It’s true that most couples fight and disagree. Even long-term couples do have disagreements at times. But according to experts, how they fight, and how often it happens – do matter. There are certain toxic behaviours that many couples unconsciously engage in that are causing harm to their relationships.

Withdrawing at Times of Demand

While some partners choose to explain their side, some choose to withdraw and walk away from the situation. Researchers have demonstrated that while both genders exhibit demand/withdraw patterns, the wife-demand/husband-withdraw occurs more frequently. It’s not hard to see why this behaviour seems so toxic because both parties feel wronged. The demand partner feels ignored, marginalised, and perhaps abandoned; the other feels put upon, barraged by criticism, and under fire. It is important that you establish a healthy way to tackle relationship problems. Walking away in times of arguments isn’t always the right approach, especially if the issue involves a difficult topic. Research by David Vogel, Stephen Wester, and Martin Heesacker of the University of Florida found that couples exhibiting either female demand/male withdraw or male demand/female withdraw patterns were more ingrained in specific negative behaviour patterns, employed more demand/withdraw behaviours, and exhibited less positive behaviours than couples with an equal demand/withdraw pattern.

Not Telling or Asking

A popular study by study by Arthur Aron showed that the simple act of asking questions and answering them—a mere thirty-six—reliably increased the sense of closeness in dating couples. In the first stages of a relationship, there’s always an eagerness to share and listen to each other’s stories. But for some couples, this eagerness declines the longer they stay together. It can happen for any reason – busy schedules, over familiarity, kids interrupting the couple’s time, and even the use of technology. Maybe you’re familiar with these lines: You’ve already told me that” or “That again?” While this may seem like not so serious, this kind of behaviour is guaranteed to shut him or her down. Relationship expert John Gottman says positive communication in a successful marriage includes showing interest, showing that you care, showing your concern and empathy, and being accepting, even when you don’t necessarily agree with your partner.

Gatekeeping

A 2008 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology found that when mom constantly interferes with dad’s involvement with the children and housework, it can affect their relationship. Researchers also found that the more encouraging mom was of dad’s efforts, the more involved he was in child care and household chores. Mom’s positive support also influenced the quality of dad’s co-parenting. Because gatekeeping is often accompanied by a boatload of criticism and negativity, it’s highly destructive to many different aspects of the relationship.

Passive Aggression like Dropping ‘Hints’

Instead of saying what upsets you, letting your partner figure it out him/herself is toxic because it shows that you two are not comfortable communicating openly and clearly with one another. It is important for a couple to share their feelings and desires openly. Also, make it clear that the other person is not necessarily responsible or obligated to them but that you’d love to have their support. If they love you, they’ll almost always be able to give it.

Blaming the other for one’s Emotions

You’re having a bad day and your partner isn’t being sympathetic. You want to just stay at home for the rest of the afternoon and watch a movie with your partner but he or she has plans with to go out and meet some friends. Blaming our partners for our emotions is a subtle form of selfishness, and a classic example of the poor maintenance of personal boundaries. By holding each other responsible for each one’s emotions, the relationship develops co-dependent tendencies – which are an unhealthy relationship pattern. The worst part of being in a co-dependent relationship is it breeds resentment.

If your relationship is having pitfalls at the moment, try to look closer and see the unhealthy patterns that could be causing such conflicts and start working them out. Seeking help from a health professional is often a good strategy to save the relationship from falling apart.