The Skill that Strengthens Relationships
There is no magic formula for a successful relationship. But studies about long-term couples suggest that these people share common traits. Among these traits is communication. If you and your partner have communication problems, a good approach to tackle them is to practise active listening.
Often, couples are convinced that they are active listeners. But when asked, most of them are unable to provide an accurate summary of what their partner has said. Instead of paying attention, they are busy preparing their defences, which sometimes include recalling past mistakes the other person has made in the past and connecting them with the present situation. Then, the conversation suddenly becomes about the listener’s point of view. This easily leads to a heated argument – an unending discussion of who is right and who is wrong.
To refrain from unnecessary arguments, and pinpoint a solution before a conflict worsens, active listening is very important. It is the foundation of an effective communication, which is an element of a successful relationship. Active listening is crucial not just in romantic relationships, but in any other kind of relationship – among siblings, friends, colleagues and associates, between parents and children, and so on.
What is Active Listening?
When you listen to your loved one about their problems, you may feel a strong urge to fix the problem by giving advice. But sometimes, the best way to comfort them is to just sit by their side, give a shoulder to lean on, and listen. Listening is a relationship skill that most of us haven’t learned. But if practised and mastered, it can be one of the best gifts we can give to the people we love.
Listening is different from hearing. You’re just hearing when even though you seem to pay attention, deep inside you’re just waiting for your turn to speak. Active listening requires more than your ears. It also requires your mind, eyes and heart. You know you are listening when you are concentrating on and making an effort to understand the other person’s point of view, and how he or she is feeling. You know you are listening when you try to comprehend what he or she is saying with engagement and interest.
Active listening also entails paying attention to the other person’s body language and other non-verbal cues. There are times when we just can’t express how we are feeling in words. Nevertheless, our body just can’t hide it. This is probably why despite the availability of modern technologies like mobile phones and computers, most psychotherapists choose to meet their clients personally. A person’s eyes – how he or she stares at you, his or her facial expressions, and body language reveal much about what the person really feels inside.
Active Listening as an Emotional Skill
One of the most common traits of emotionally smart people is their ability to listen. Listening is an emotional skill, which in some instances, takes time to be mastered. It is a lot harder than building your defence when your partner lays down his or her complaints. You know you have this skill when you are able to distant yourself from the situation (as if you are not a part of it) and respond in the way you know a good person should have responded. That is, it requires putting aside the emotions you feel and the thoughts that linger in your mind, at least for a moment, to listen and understand another person’s point of view with clarity and empathy. Active listening manifests our ability to manage our emotion and wait for our turn.
Offering a solution is not always the best initial approach to help a loved one overcome the problems he or she is having. More often, it requires listening first. Listening is an activity where you are not just waiting for your turn to speak. At first it may require efforts, lots of efforts, to focus, concentrate and understand what your loved one is feeling or thinking. But over time and with constant practise, active listening will become a skill that comes out from you naturally. Whenever you feel the rage inside you as the other person speaks, calm yourself down by reminding yourself that this is about him or her than about you. The more you listen with attention, the more you will understand where he or she is coming from, and the more you will be able to relate. Furthermore, asking questions is a better listening tool than explaining what you think about the other person’s problem. A good listener knows the value of asking clarifying questions. In fact, sometimes, asking questions may actually help them find the answers to their problems.
When you are able to set your own emotions aside for the time being, you are allowing yourself to understand them without judgement, and help them in the best way you can.
©Copyright 2013 by http://www.naturaltherapyforall.com Counselling Leeds All Rights Reserved.