The Secrets to a Long and Lasting Love
“A long and lasting love
Not many people find it
But those who do their whole life through
Put their heart and soul behind it…”
Love. It is rooted in our hearts and minds. As social beings, we are hardwired to love. When the person we love doesn’t love us back, we feel hurt. The emotional pain lingers until we find another person to love again.
Research after research tells us that romantic love can last. This is despite what happens in the real world where divorce is the best resort to resolving marital conflicts. 50 per cent of married couples in the US, and 42 per cent in the UK, end up getting a divorce whilst many of those who stay together experience marital dissatisfaction.
No matter how elusive it seems, still, there are couples who manage to stay strong and happy for years. So what are their secrets?
They believe in ‘happy endings’.
Despite the high rates of divorce and marital infidelities, lifelong romance is POSSIBLE. Long-term couples are optimistic about their happy endings. They are not discouraged by what is going on with other relationships. In a 2012 study reported in the Social Psychological and Personality Science, among couples who were married 30 years or more, 40 per cent of women and 35 per cent of men said they were very intensely in love.
They appreciate each other.
On the first stages of a romantic relationship, partners are often too focused on each other’s positive side. They see each other as the most attractive, smartest, sexiest – the best among the best. But as the years go by, we tend to put our partner from the pedestal and we begin to see their flaws. According to research, maintaining a ‘love blindness’ is essential to long-lasting romantic love. In a review of 500 studies on compatibility by the University of Geneva, researchers couldn’t pinpoint any combination of two personality traits in a relationship that predicted long-term romantic love EXCEPT for one: the ability to idealise and maintain positive illusions about their partner. That is, couples who see each other as ‘good-looking’, ‘funny’, ‘intelligent’ and the like remained happy for a long time than those who appreciate their partners less.
They hate boredom.
Boredom can be a major obstacle towards a long and lasting love. People in long-term relationships make sure to keep the fire burning by trying out different things. They don’t stick to their routine always. Sometimes, they go beyond their comfort zone to experience new things. Psychological research suggests that couples who experience the most love are those that do not only experience a strong physical and emotional attraction but also those who enjoy doing “self-expanding” activities together. In an earlier study (2011) published in the journal Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience, scientists looked the brain regions activated in individuals in long-term romantic partnerships (who had been married an average of 21 years), and compared them with individuals who had recently fallen in love. Their findings show that both groups had high activity in the reward and motivation centres of the brain, predominantly in the high-dopamine ventral tegmental area (VTA). All these findings suggest that couples can not only love each other for long periods of time, they can stay in love with each other too.
They avoid ‘neediness’.
Despite maintaining a sense of “oneness”, happy long-term couples still practise independence. They avoid neediness; rather, encourage each other to pursue their own hobbies and interests. To keep the ‘spark’, they give each other space to do what they are good at.
They embrace everything life has to offer.
People who are high-spirited and optimistic are most likely to have long-lasting romantic love. A 2012 study by Stony Brook University which examined the personality qualities that predicted long-term passionate love found that individuals who exhibit excitement for all that life has to offer are more likely to find success in their romantic partnerships.
They get married for self-fulfilment.
Whilst some people marry for security and safety, long-term couples marry for self-actualization and personal fulfilment. When these are the goals, the marriage can be more satisfying for both partners.
Whilst a long-lasting love can have many challenges, it is possible and achievable. It just requires effort to accept and appreciate each other, seek out new experiences, avoid neediness, embrace what life has to offer, and seek personal fulfilment – but it’s all worth it.
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