The Healing Power of Forgiving
It’s true – it’s not always easy to forgive…and forget. But a wealth of research suggests that it has powerful benefits to our health and well-being.
Some people find it very easy to forgive those who have offended them, whilst for others, it take months and even years before they could finally get over the pang and resentment that interpersonal offenses have brought them. Many of us can’t help but play back the event in their heads over and over again, thinking about what they should have said and acted. This makes the anger worse and forgiveness impossible.
But holding grudges can have adverse effects on our health, physically and mentally. Grudges, like most negative emotions, stress us out. And as many of us know, high levels of stress can create havoc on our health by causing imbalance in our hormonal levels, triggering inflammation, and weakening our immune system. It’s no secret that stress can lead to a host of health problems, such as high blood pressure, weak heart, obesity, anxiety disorder, depression, and so on.
But if grudges are bad for us, why do we hold on to them so badly? Some psychologists believe that grudge-holding is something we have acquired from our ancestors who relied on each other for survival. According to Michael McCullough, a psychologist and author of Beyond Revenge: The Evolution of the Revenge Instinct, humans were designed by the simple forces of natural selection to have a taste for revenge when harmed. This means revenge is not a disease, but a survival mechanism.
Physical Effects of Holding Grudges
Research by Dr Don Colbert, M.D, a New York Times best-selling author, revealed that unforgiving responses of blame, anger and hostility could impair health, resulting to problems like insomnia, coronary heart disease, digestive disorder, and high blood pressure.
But can forgiveness be the antidote for all these health concerns?
It may not be the cure for heart disease and other health problems but forgiving and forgetting may actually benefit our health in many ways. In the study by Hope College, Holland, Michigan, researchers Charlotte vanOyen Wivliet, Thomas Ludwig and Kelly Vander Laan studied the effects of unforgiving and forgiving responses. They found that people who don’t forgive had increased physical stress responses in the body such as increased heart rate, blood pressure elevation and sympathetic nervous system (SNS) responses which last for some time. On the other hand, those who were forgiving had less negative emotion and correspondingly less heart rate, blood pressure and SNS reactivity.
Being more forgiving also appears to promote a stronger immune system – our body’s first line of defence against potential threats. What’s more, forgiveness boosts our mental health by reducing our likelihood to dwell into negative emotions like bitterness, anger and resentment.
How to Forgive When You Just Can’t
"You can’t just will forgiveness," says Frederic Luskin, author of Forgive For Good: A Proven Prescription for Health and Happiness. He recommends creating conditions where forgiveness is more likely to occur, such as experiences that increase positive emotions. For example, Luskin recommends practising gratitude – an act which involves focusing your attention on the positive things that have happened. He also recommends practising stress management techniques such as meditation, deep breathing, or relaxation exercises to overcome feelings of anger and resentment which make it harder for people to forgive. Luskin said ‘cognitive reframing’ may also help. It is a powerful psychological tool which involves changing the way people see things.
Forgiving and forgetting really takes courage and effort. But it’s definitely worth it.
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