Skills Necessary for a Successful Marriage
A lot of people succeed in their career and business, but not in marriage. Marriage is sometimes full of complexities. What may work for other couples may not work for the others. Thanks to positive psychology – neuroscientists from different parts of the world have started to identify and understand the patterns of behaviour that are commonly observed among happy and successful couples.
In his book entitled Emotional Intelligence in Couples Therapy, Dr Brent J. Atkinson talks about the necessary skills that predict relationship success. They include the following:
Ability to talk about issues in a firm yet gentle approach
‘Soft’ start-up is a firm yet tactful and gentle approach used by successful married couples to bring up issues in their relationship. This strategy allows partners to express their frustrations, dislikes and upsets to the other person without attacking his or her character. For instance, a soft start-up statement like “I am really upset that you forget our anniversary”, is much better-sounding than the harsh start-up version “How could you be so insensitive and forget about our anniversary?”
Ability to make ‘repairs’ after an upset
There are issues that trigger a partner’s defensiveness and reactivity no matter how gentle the issue has been laid on the table. Still, successful couples know how to patch things up and make repairs, and most of all, provide an assurance that they are going to work harder. Assurance works like a ‘reset button’ in a relationship. It drives forgiveness and allows a fresh new start.
Ability to support each other’s personal endeavours
Successful couples don’t forget that even though they have been united by marriage, they are still two distinct individuals who have their own dreams and goals in life. Successful couples feel valued and do not depend on their relationship to feel valued. They also work hard to support each other of their own personal pursuits. And in times when they their individual differences spark a conflict, they are able to make a compromise.
Ability to be open to each other’s influence
Dr John Gottman, a researcher and author of “Why Marriages Succeed or Fail”, found that a top predictor of marital success is the husband’s willingness to accept influence. In addition to being able to present issues in a tactful and gentle approach, successful partners also know how to respond to their partner’s requests, criticism or upsets without getting defensive. They don’t look at criticisms as a manifestation of not being loved, but an opportunity to change for the better and be valued more.
Ability to positively interact more often
Conflicts are part of marriage. Even the most successful couples are confronted with problems at one time or another. The only difference is that they make an effort to regularly interact in positive ways. For every negative experience such as an argument, they are able to make 9 positive experiences, such as going out for dinner dates, planning fun things together, sharing affection, etc.
The best part is that all these skills – ability to bring issues firmly yet gently, make repairs after an upset, support each other’s endeavours, be open to each other’s influence, and have more positive interactions than negative – all these can be learned. By making an effort to practise these skills and incorporate them in your relationship, there’s a big possibility that you will succeed, and be much happier!
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