Setting Healthy Boundaries

Rebecca Lewis January 22, 2014

Setting and sustaining boundaries in life is like building a fence around your house. You need it to make yourself feel more secured, gain peace of mind, and be free to do what you want to do.

Boundaries are the limitations we set for ourselves and others, which can be both in physical and emotional forms. Being in a relationship doesn’t mean we should break the walls we have built to protect ourselves from other people. Boundaries are essential to life. Without it, we are like an island with no sea wall – we simply accept what the ocean dumps on us. We should never allow ourselves to let others influence us or make us do something that is beyond our values, or at the level that makes us uncomfortable.

But if it’s that important, why do many people find it hard to set and stick to their boundaries? There are many reasons for this, but fear and guilt are the two most common. Many people think that if they don’t give it all, they would be rejected or abandoned by the people they love. Thus, they choose to conform or say yes even on things that they normally wouldn’t go along with. For example, a teenager who wants to be part of a popular group in school might be tempted to do things to be “more like them”, which may include smoking, drinking and taking drugs. In some instances, people find it hard to stick to healthy boundaries because they are afraid of confrontations. It’s either they don’t want to argue or they just want to make things easier. Losing boundaries may also result from feelings of guilt as a result of saying “no” to someone and hurting their feelings.

Unhealthy boundaries include sharing too much, doing things that a person doesn’t really want to do, and not being able to express his or her feelings and needs at all. All these can significantly affect the person’s well-being and happiness, and lead to mental health problems, such as depression.

Setting healthy boundaries

To successfully set and maintain healthy boundaries, it is important to understand that boundary setting is not being rude, nor it is a way of being difficult to others. When done in a respectful and positive manner, boundary setting can be beneficial to both parties.

Consider the following suggestions when setting healthy boundaries.

Decide on what you want. The first step in establishing a healthy boundary is to identify what you want and need. Take time to assess what your heart truly desires.

Focus on your values. Your values will serve as your guide in creating boundaries with others. Things you value may include your priorities, goals, etc. When you know the things you value, you will be more motivated to protect it, so you are less likely to detach from your boundaries even during difficult situations.

Be firm. It’s really okay to say “no” sometimes, especially if other people’s requests are beyond your values. It’s fine to think about what others might feel and how they may react but you should also consider what you will feel and its effect on you. State your reason(s) why you wouldn’t want to do the request. Remember, you are not responsible for the other person’s response.

Value yourself. Treat yourself like your best friend. When you are confused of whether to do or not to do something, ask yourself how you would help a friend decide, taking into account the best of his or her interest.

Most importantly, remember that setting up healthy boundaries is a process. It isn’t something you can complete overnight. There could be lots of hurdles along the way, but over time, you will be able to establish your boundaries, and stick to them.