Recovering from Betrayal
He slept with my best friend. He chose someone else’s over me. She lied about where the money went. She didn’t defend me. She changed and doesn’t care about me anymore.
Being betrayed is one of the most painful things we can experience in life. Discovering that someone we trust has deeply hurt us inflicts a very deep wound that often takes years to heal. Sometimes, it even takes forever. When we hear or think of the word ‘betrayal’, we think of it as an affair. But betrayal comes in many forms. It can happen between parents and children, siblings, friends, and other close relationships. Among the most common examples of betrayal are disclosures of confidential information, disloyalty, infidelity and dishonesty. Like other difficult experiences, they can be traumatic and cause considerable distress. Just imagining your best friend or partner breaking the trust you have given them can already cause a ‘sting’ to your heart and give you a sharp, deep, agonising pain. In a 2010 study published in the journal Behaviour Research and Therapy, researchers found that the effects of betrayal include shock, loss and grief, morbid pre-occupation, damaged self-esteem, self-doubt and anger which are relevant to that of mental health disorders like anxiety disorder, OC D and PTSD.
Why does betrayal hurt?
It hurts because it’s all about breaking the trust – which is central to human relationships. When there’s no trust, there is a very poor foundation of a relationship and it cannot survive. Trust makes us feel comfortable with another person, eases our anxiety, and allows us to connect with someone else in a deeper level. Even the most ordinary interpersonal, commercial, medical, and legal interactions would be impossible without some degree of trust. Trust makes us open our boundaries to other people and let them enter and affect our lives. In romantic relationships, trust makes us more willing to be a part of someone else’s world and vice versa. We don’t hesitate to show our true selves – our best and our worst – to that person we love because we trust them. This is probably the reason why betrayal only occurs in close relationships. When a person betrayed us, we are left wondering – What happened? How could this happen? Who is this person?
Betrayal is such a complex topic to talk about. Circumstances vary greatly. And our personal tolerances for uncertainty and emotional pain differ. Some people are able to forgive people who betrayed them easily, whilst others don’t. Some are left with no choice but to move on with their lives.
Serious betrayals put as in a situation where we need to discern what’s best for us. And it is difficult to decide because at this moment, we are floating in an ocean of mixed emotions – anger, rage, vengeance, pain, self-pity, and so on. At the same time, there are feelings of remorse for the relationship and the time spent together. So for instance, when love is still alive and our partner admits his or her mistake and expresses remorse, we are faced with the big question of whether we should give our partner a second chance or make a foolish mistake to trust again.
Healing and forgiveness after betrayal
Recovering from betrayal can be a very difficult experience and some people get stuck in this process for years. Repeated expressions of heartfelt sorrow and regret by the betrayer may offer some hope for healing and even forgiveness. But what if that person never admits his or her mistakes? What if you have experienced the worst kind of betrayal which is disengagement or not caring? For instance, your significant other just left you for no reason and never returned. He or she just stopped paying attention, investing time and fighting for the relationship. Whilst it can be difficult, healing from betrayal is very much possible.
There are different ways to recover from betrayal and the best one depends on the situation we’re in. In marriages or romantic relationships, couples therapy offers a safe place to hear each other’s feelings and uncover longstanding issues that may have led to betrayal issues.
Getting over hurt and betrayal requires recovery time. Don’t expect that you will feel better after a day or two of counselling. The recovery period doesn’t involve forgetting or denying that the betrayal happened. As a matter of fact, it involves listening to your heart and allowing it to stay soft despite having been hurt. In real life, there’s no ‘magic wand’ that can take all our pain away in a snap. We just can’t make the pain go away or change what happened. We can, however, seek comfort from the people we love, particularly our friends and family. It is also crucial to understand whether the betrayal you experienced came out of the blue or a shock, or has been going on for a long time now (such as disrespect of boundaries, small lies, or determination of goodwill). Paying attention to your feelings and where they are coming from is also important to ease the pain and make healing possible.
If you’ve recently felt betrayed by someone and want some help and support throughout the healing process, it might be time to speak to someone professionally. A trained therapist our counsellor can teach you life skills that can ease your journey towards healing and recovery.
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