Narcissism and Self-Esteem: What’s the Difference?
According to psychologists, self-esteem is a fundamental human need. We need it in the same we need to experience fear and anger. People with higher self-esteem are those who are likely to succeed in their chosen fields or careers as they have greater sense of confidence, self-worth and self-belief. However, many people fail to distinguish self-esteem from vanity. But these things, experts say, are totally opposite.
Dr Sheldon Solomon, the psychologist who formulated the terror management theory, said people who claim that high self-esteem is problematic and often causes aggressive behaviour are either unwittingly or wilfully confusing or equating self-esteem with narcissism.
What is the difference?
We say a person has a narcissistic personality when he is overly confident, and always thinks of himself as the greatest. But isn’t it true with a person who has high self-esteem? Not really.
Self-esteem is different from narcissism in the sense that it represents an attitude that is built on the values we adhere to. It is something you create on the inside through experiences, accomplishments and lessons learned. It comes from the values we acquired from our parents, teachers and other people and have become a part of ourselves. And every time we exhibit such values, we feel good, really good.
On the other hand, narcissism is often based on one’s weakness or source of fear. People with narcissistic personality are often those who have the unhealthy drive to be noticed, seen and appreciated by others. Deep within them is a huge sense of insecurity and inadequacy – the feeling that they are not doing good enough.
In his book “The Self Under Siege”, psychologist Robert Firestone explains how vanity is formed. He blames it on the empty praises and false build-ups that parents tell their children as a substitute for the genuine love and acknowledgement they failed to give. In the contrary, parents who are genuinely responsive often nurture children who have an accurate sense of who they are and have healthy self-esteem. In fact, studies show that children who receive praises for the things they haven’t mastered or talent they do not possess tend to feel insecure and emptier. Only those who have received genuine praise developed higher self-esteem.
Joseph Burgo, a family therapist and clinical psychologist, said individuals without genuine self-esteem have an insatiable need to have other people feed and bolster their egos. And the problem with these external self-esteem sources, he said, is that people have to secure more of them to experience the ‘good’ feeling, just like in the case of drug addiction.
People with narcissistic personality shouldn’t be condemned as they are only victims. While narcissists may appear to love themselves too much, studies show that they usually hide feelings of inferiority. Instead of feeling annoyed by them, we should understand and encourage them to seek therapy. Through it, they will develop a better, more positive perception about themselves and be able to harness genuine self-esteem.
Dear Readers,
As a therapist, what advices can you give to others when it comes to dealing with narcissistic individuals?
Source of this article:
Narcissism vs. Authentic Self-Esteem
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