Love Addiction and the Signs of Co-dependency

Lisa Franchi April 08, 2013

Many couples are unaware that they are actually becoming co-dependent to one another, a fact that puts their relationship and emotional health at risk.

By now, most people may have heard about the term co-dependency as this psychological phenomenon is becoming so widespread. But what is it exactly? How harmful can it be? And why should we care about it?

What is co-dependency?

This psychological condition occurs when people think of their relationships as more important than their lives. The main characteristic is putting a BIG focus on others which are usually the loved ones – the spouse, boyfriend/girlfriend, a friend, or a child. For example, when asked by his partner where she wants to go, a co-dependent woman would normally reply like this – ‘anywhere you want is okay with me’. While this makes the decision-making process easy, for the co-dependent woman, this kind of persistent behaviour has awful consequences. Later, she becomes compliant and passive that she no longer knows what she wants or prefers.

The term ‘co-dependency’ was originally used to describe a person who has become heavily dependent to alcohol. But in the last 5-10 years, it was generally linked to a person who tends to take control of another, usually, his or her partner. In psychology, co-dependency is used to describe a ‘dysfunctional’ way of behaving in a personal relationship. But it can also occur in other types of important relationships, including family, work and community relationships.

Co-dependency in Romantic Relationships

Most people may think that co-dependency results from a person’s need to please his or her partner. But according to experts, there is a deeper reason for co-dependency. Generally, co-dependent people came from a dysfunctional home where their emotional needs were not met. They did not receive enough attention, love and care from their parents which are needed so they could feel their needs ‘matter’. So, they grew up knowing and believing that their feelings did not matter and are unimportant. Overtime, these people forget their needs, wants, desires and preferences that make up what they are.

Co-dependents are caregivers, but often are frustrated caregivers. Helping them become aware of the signs of co-dependent behaviour are essential in helping them overcome the debilitating consequences of co-dependency.

Here are the most common signs to look for:

· Taking responsibility for their partner’s actions.

· Worrying about the burden for their partner’s problems.

· Giving it all – doing what is more than required of them.

· Feeling obligated to do what others expect them to do even if it is not realistic.

· Not being able to decide without their partner.

· Being suspicious about receiving love, care and attention.

· Neglecting their personal needs, wants and desires.

· Trying to be someone else’s hero – solving every problem their partners encounter even if they know they can’t do it.

Help for Co-dependents

The good news is, it is highly possible to overcome co-dependency and there are various ways to do it:

· Seeking professional help. A reputable therapist can help a person see and become aware of his or her co-dependent behaviour.

· Making recovery a priority. Like all kinds of addiction, it may be hard for a person to recognise the signs of co-dependency and may even deny that he or she needs help after all. Focusing on the need to recover is therefore important in dealing with such phenomenon.

· Becoming ‘selfish’ in a positive way. Co-dependents need to know that they are special in their own way. They have to know that they also have needs that should be met, and their world does not have to revolve in another person alone. There are plenty of ways in which co-dependents can discover their self-worth, such as practising mindfulness meditation, reflecting on nature, undergoing therapy such as CBT, engaging in meaningful activities, and so on.

· Feeling worthy of the world’s blessings. It’s funny how people can quickly admit that they are ‘worthy’ but when their life is deeply assessed, a pattern that belies this belief can be found. They don’t seem to take care of their bodies, they don’t see their doctors, and don’t do anything to make themselves happy.

Overcoming co-dependency can indeed be a difficult challenge. But once co-dependents come to know that they are worthy of the best of what life has to offer, and with professional help and support from their loves ones, they can certainly get through it.

Dear Readers,

What other therapies can you suggest to individuals who exhibit co-dependent behaviour in their romantic relationships?

Share your comment below.