Listening like a Therapist

Sharon Moore September 16, 2013

Many people think that being articulate is essential to being a great communicator. Yes that’s true. But being a good listener is equally important.

Most people think they are good listeners, but very few really are. Listening seems like an easy task but in reality, it can be very difficult, especially when we are overwhelmed with negative emotions, such as anger. In a small study published in the journal Couple & Family Psychology, researchers found that the three major contributors to divorce were infidelity, lack of commitment, and conflict or arguing. All these can be resolved, or at least prevented, if both partners are good listeners.

The Healing Power of Listening

When it comes to listening, therapists are good role models. When dealing with patients, counsellors and therapists use a great deal of active listening skills to properly understand them, and most importantly, communicate with them.

If you’re looking to improve your listening skills, here are three qualities of a therapist that you may want to develop in yourself.

Listening to get information

When we hear something we don’t want to hear, or when we think that the other person is saying absurd, illogical, or non-sense things, our initial response would be to interrupt him or her and react. Another common mistake we do is focusing on what we are about to say next, instead of absorbing every bit of information the other person is giving us. All these prevent us from developing a deeper understanding of others – their feelings, reasons and where they are coming from.

Listening with an open mind

There’s really a big difference between ‘hearing’ and ‘listening’. Paying attention not on the other person but on his or her words is a crucial aspect of active listening. Therapists listen without judgement, and without the desire to show or prove someone is wrong. They listen to expand their understanding of a person, and not to point out their flaws, or dominate them.

Reflective listening

This listening method includes focus, intent and very active participation. It was introduced by an American psychologist Carl Rogers who developed the client-centred therapy. Rogers believed that by listening intently to the client, the therapist could determine best what the client needs. Reflective listening involves listening with empathy. This prevents the person from making biased conclusions about the other.

Tips to Practice Effective Listening

A good listener listens not only to what has been said, but also to what was left unsaid or partially said. If you’re looking to improve your listening skills, here are simple strategies you can try.

Stop talking. Mark Twain was right when he said “If we were supposed to talk more than we listen, we would have two tongues and one ear.” When somebody else is talking, stop, look and listen. When he or she is done, you may respond and ask questions to clarify if your understanding was correct.

Focus on the speaker. Especially when the topic is sensitive, make sure to pay full attention to what the other person is saying. Also, make the speaker feel comfortable. Nod or use gestures to show you are intently listening. This way, they can easily convey or express what they’re trying to say.

Empathise. Try to look at the issue from their perspective. This way, you can easily understand them. By having an open mind, we can fully empathise with others.

Be patient. Pausing doesn’t mean the person has finished talking. Let them speak at their own pace. Sometimes, it‘s rally hard to formulate or construct the right phrase or sentence that will reflect what the person really wants to say.

Listen to get the whole picture. Don’t just focus your attention to the pieces of information the other person tells you, but try to get the whole idea. One of the most difficult aspects of listening is trying to link the pieces of information that will reveal the true message of their story.

Notice their non-verbal talks. Facial expressions, tone, gestures and bodily movements can all be important. Try to listen not just with your ears, but also with your eyes and heart.

Listening like a therapist can greatly improve our understanding of others and our relationship with them.