Letting Go of Loss

Mrs. Carol Remfrey Foote St Andrews Counselling and Psychotherapy Practice July 19, 2013

The inspiration for this article is a blog I read today which talks, controversially you might say, about how therapists can love their clients. This love is not a romantic, physical or sexual love, as this is exploitative and abuses the power differential in a therapeutic relationship.

The Greeks called this love of one another “agape”. Thomas Ord describes agape as "an intentional response to promote well-being when responding to that which has generated ill-being”. We can understand this as agape, in the therapeutic relationship, love given deliberately when loss has caused pain and suffering.

It occurred to me that as therapists, we often form long and lasting therapeutic relationship with clients. In my work with female survivors of rape, domestic abuse and childhood sexual abuse, the relationship between the therapist and client is often the first positive and “loving” relationship they may well have experienced from another person.

Part of the therapy is in pacing the rate and rhythm of therapy with clear unequivocal boundaries in the work to lineate the relationship and give clarity as to the uniqueness of the relationship.

Therapy, it may be said, is about identifying the loss and working with the client through whatever the loss might be. Bereavement to everyone is clear as a loss, losing a loved one hurts so much, but what about childhood abuse? This is a less obvious form of loss on the first glance but when we consider the loss of childhood for those physically, sexually and psychologically abused and the associated loss of trust by the child for the adult who has abused them, and the loss of a future for some whose lives are blighted and scarred, everything becomes clear.

Trust is not easily gained or given by those whose loss is so great. We experience loss in a multitude of ways:

• Loss of childhood

• Loss of those we love through death

• Loss when someone we love leaves

• Loss of a relationship with friends, relatives or divorce

• Loss when children leave home

• Loss of physical or mental health through acute or chronic illness

• Loss of identity

• Loss of purpose through retirement or redundancy

• Loss of stability in our lives

Loss is involved in all aspects of life whether your life takes an uncomplicated and fairly straightforward path not just when life seems to have thrown brickbats in your way. Love and loss are intricately entwined and we all can relate the old adage “It is better to have loved and lost then not to have loved at all”. As we know there are many people who have not experienced love at all, do not love themselves or others and have lost connection with life.

We are all born with an innate drive to connect and attach with others. This connection and attachment can be bruised and battered along the way.

The role of the therapist is to listen and ensure the person’s loss is heard and understand the impact the loss has had on their ability to cope with life. The therapist can begin to connect and support the person to develop their attachment to themselves and others through what’s called the transferential relationship.

Depending on the nature and type of loss and the individual’s attachment style, the therapist can work together with the person to help them heal themselves.

This brings me full circle to agape, the love between therapist and client which can provide the relationship to let go of loss, not banish or forget the loss, but to allow life and love to go on and flourish.

References:

Jason Mihalko Blog: http://irreverentpsychologist.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/dear-young-therapist-dont-be-afraid-to.html

Thomas Ord(2010). Defining Love: A Philosophical, Scientific, and Theological Engagement. Grand Rapids, Mich.: Brazos Press. ISBN 1-58743-257-9.