How You Can Overcome Past Bullying

Anne Morrison Hypnotherapy and NLP Hypnotherapy, Womens Health, Weight Loss in Newcastle Upon Tyne June 24, 2015

Like many others, perhaps you were bullied at school. It may have had little or no effect on you, but for many, bullying can lead to long-term problems, such as anxiety and depression.

A recent report published in the British Medical Journal examined the possible link between being bullied in adolescence and later depression. In the conclusion, authors state:

“Our findings suggest that approximately 29% of the burden of depression at age 18 years could be attributed to peer victimisation.” (1)

As might be expected they also found that where there was earlier bullying or family problems then bullying or peer victimisation seemed to have an even greater impact.

I know from working with many who have been bullied as teenagers that it can lead to general anxiety and depression. It also appears that bullying during adolescence might be more targeted and therefore have greater impact than being bullied at a younger age. This is borne out by the stories my clients tell me of their experiences of being bullied. Perhaps you can relate to this?

It makes sense too if we consider that in adolescence there are many changes going on both physically and mentally as we go from childhood to adulthood. It is at this time we start to become our own ‘person’. The brain is busy pruning connections. The body is responding to hormones. Then there are the other changes such as new schools, new peer groups and exams. Young people can become more self-conscious and aware of themselves during this time and if they are bullied, perhaps about appearance or aptitude, then this can undermine their sense of self-worth.

What causes depression?

The BMJ report suggests that there may be a number of factors that can lead to depression such as

(1) “A potential role for perception of threat and sense of control, 40 emotion dysregulation, 41 blunted cortisol reactivity, 42 and increased methylation of the serotonin transporter gene43”

There is also other research suggesting that inflammation (2) can lead to depression. It may be that long term exposure to ‘stress’ hormones released when you are being bullied could lead to inflammation.

How we respond to bullying may also be influenced by how we are brought up. The ‘models’ we saw around us – our parents and wider family. The way in which our parents interacted with us and how safe we felt with them, influences our coping resources and resilience. How we saw them cope with upset, disagreements or problems taught us. We now know that parental and grand-parental stress, among other things, can lead to changes at the genetic level which can be inherited from one generation to another. (3) Dr Michael Yapko has written a number of books on depression including “Hand-me Down Blues” which discusses how depression can seem to ‘run’ in family units.

What can help?

There are many ways you can get help if you have been bullied and have depression. They include medication, diet and exercise, and ‘talk’ therapies.

Often, just allowing someone the opportunity to be more open about the bullying and depression can help. The BMJ report states that:

“Most teenagers (41-74%) reported that they never told their teachers about their victimisation experiences, and 24-51% of teenagers reported that they never told their parents. Teenagers were most likely to report physical victimisation such as being hit or beaten up”

Not talking about a situation can lead to a sense of isolation. Often, just knowing you aren’t the only one to have had this experience can be helpful. Counselling, Cognitive Behaviour Therapy (CBT), hypnosis, mindfulness can all help. It’s important to remember that no single therapy will suit everyone. There are many organisations available that offer help. Mental health support in the UK is increasingly provided through Improved Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT), though sometimes waiting lists are long, and there are many charities and private therapists and counsellors too.

Techniques such as Eye Movement Desensitisation Reprocessing (EMDR), Parts Therapy or the Rewind Technique can be used very successfully to change the emotional relationship to past events. Clients describe the experience of remembering the memory but no longer experiencing the upsetting emotions.

There are some things you can start to do to help yourself.

(1) I know it sounds odd but a simple thing like walking or standing differently can start to influence and change how you feel. Build in smaller changes to your day.

(2) When you think of the past are you only focusing on all the bad stuff that happened? Start to redress that balance and allow yourself to remember some better times, write those down. If you have photos that remind you of happier memories bring them together in a book.

(3) Observe how you remember the bullying. Does it seem that you were bullied all the time by everyone? Challenge this. Is it accurate that everyone bullied you all the time? Often when I’m working with clients I find they have generalised the bullying so that they remember being bullied all the time by everyone. When we get more specific it usually turns out that they were bullied by some people and only occasionally. They do remember there were teachers and others in their year group who were nice and ok. It’s a natural, protective mechanism that means we remember the ‘bad’ experiences in life more than the better ones. This natural, built in, response has kept us alive for thousands of years.

(4) You may find that when you think of the future you just think it’s going to be more of the same. It’s going to be horrible and bad. The question to ask yourself is how do you know? If you consider the whole of your life from the day you were born to the present, is it exactly the same every day? Are you still wearing nappies? Do you still drink formula out of a bottle? Are you able to dress yourself and feed yourself? Life and you have changed? The other thing to consider is the actual proportion of your life where you experienced bullying. If you wrote down the actual number of times how many days would it be out of your total life?

(5) Write down on some paper the different possibilities that could be in your future? Yes one future may be you focusing on the bullying and worrying thoughts, but you will change – you will grow older, your hair will change colour, you’ll have different clothes. It will not be the same as the past.

What other possibilities could there be? By saying to yourself ‘I don’t want to be depressed’, you are placing your attention on depression, reinforcing the memories and emotional responses. Write down some other thoughts you could practice such as ‘there are times when I am better’ or ‘there have been better times in my past and can be again in the future’ Or this ‘Even though I was bullied, I nevertheless accept myself and can remember that that was in the past and there are better times in the future’

(6) Give yourself permission to like and love yourself as you are. None of us is perfect. Acknowledge that you have come through being bullied. You coped. Tell that younger part of you that you care about them. Sometimes we can be our own worst friend. Take time to be nicer to yourself.

I know that having depression can sometimes feel like you are swimming through treacle and that everything is foggy and heavy. The ‘black dog’ can take you for a walk rather than you take it. If you have been bullied and have depression do get help. It may have been part of your past but it doesn’t have to be part of your future.