How to Maintain Intimacy after Having Children

Patrick McCurry Counselling, Psychotherapy in Eastbourne September 20, 2013

There is usually a huge delight for a couple when a child is born, especially a first child.

 

They are now a family and will be the centre of attention for friends and relatively for a few weeks.

 

But, in time, the couple may begin to realise that having children can put a lot of pressure on their own relationship. They don’t have the time they used to, because of the needs of the child. They may well be feeling more tired and the mother may find herself less interested in sex.

This can be hard for the father, who may feel a little left out of the new ‘romance’ between mother and child.

As the child, or children, gets older it will often still be very challenging for the couple to maintain intimacy because so much of the time seems to be focused on the children.

So, what can be done?

The most important thing is for both partners to stay in touch with their own feelings and to share them, in a non-judging way. So, if the father feels a bit left out and that his wife doesn’t seem so affectionate or interested in sex anymore, he needs to find a way to talk about these feelings.

He will need to accept, however, that having children inevitably changes the relationship between the mother and father significantly.

One risk is that the parents slowly begin to drift apart, unless difficult feelings are talked about and acknowledged. A father who feels less wanted may withdraw energy from the relationship and put it into his job, working longer hours.

As well as being in touch with one’s feelings and sharing them in a non-blaming way, it is important for the couple to agree on the importance of attending to their own relationship and not letting it be squashed by the demands of family life.

This may mean making a commitment to do things together, outside the house and without the children, such as going for a meal, to the cinema or some other activity. Getting away for a night, by themselves, is also a great way of bringing positive energy back into the relationship.