How to Improve Your Relationship with Your Mum

Rebecca Lewis May 10, 2013

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The bond that ties the mother and child together is often said to be impenetrable – as if there’s an invisible umbilical cord that connects them to each other. Unfortunately, many people struggle hard to keep a good relationship with their mums.  The good news is, no matter how strained such relationship is, it can be improved.

Problematic Mum-and-Child Relationships

What kind of relationship do you have with your mum? Ideally, a mother-and-child relationship should be built on love, understanding and acceptance. But for many, this is not the case. Conflicts in decisions, interests and views often spark misunderstandings between mums and their children.

Codependency

Whilst a co-dependent relationship looks close, this is often unhealthy as it prevents the development of independent and functional individuals. Psychologists describe this kind of relationship by denial, low self-esteem, excessive compliance, excessive control and focus to someone else, and having a non-assertive communication.

Stuck in the Past

Here, the mother continues to be overprotective to her adult child like the way she protects him or her in the past. On the other hand, the child seeks for independence but remains obedient and avoids confrontation. In many mum-and-child relationships, the conflict starts when someone (a romantic partner) enters the picture. The mum may not be ready yet whilst the child might feel that his or her mum is overstepping their boundaries. This relationship is sometimes called “three-person couple”. Being stuck in the past can really create a big gap between the mother and her child. It can spur conflicts and may resort to misunderstandings.

Competitors

Many children are in continuous struggle with their mums, and vice versa. In this kind of relationship, each one is constantly striving to seek the approval of the other but is not getting in. As a result, both the mother and her grown child become frustrated and disappointed with one another.  In most cases, they put the blame to each other. This kind of relationship leads to resentments or grudges that may take a long period of time to heal.

Freezers

Although they respect and accept each other, the mother and child in this kind of relationship do not share the same interests and emotional connection. They would choose to keep their personal insights, views and opinions private and wouldn’t want to become “friends” like most mums and their children would. If only there is no biological connection that ties them both, neither of them would be interested in establishing a relationship with each other.

Resolving Your “Mum-Flicts”

These problematic relationships can cause conflicts that can make both the child and mum unhappy. But just like all other relationship problems, these “mum-flicts” can be straightened out. Here’s how:

Understand that mums have the best intentions.

They may not have the best plans to carry out their intentions but they only want nothing but the best for their children. There is no perfect mother just as there’s no perfect child. Just like you, she also has shortcomings and personal challenges to deal with that often affect how she connects and bonds with you. Mums may not notice that they are too controlling already, insensitive, or competitive. But this doesn’t change the fact that they love their children. When you have issues with your mum, it is much better to talk to her about it instead of holding resentments. It’s not really easy but you both can get along with a cup of coffee and some home-made cookies.

Show how much you appreciate her. It doesn’t matter if you’re far away. The modern technology has provided solutions to the geographical boundaries that separate people from one another. Reach out whenever you could. When you become a parent, you will realise how a five-minute call from your child can enhance your mood and make you happy. Try practising “random reach-outs” by making surprise calls or visits to your mum. Don’t forget to bring some of her favourite treats!

Date with your mum. Being married or being in a romantic relationship with someone should not hinder you from spending quality time with your mum. Arrange for a date without any distractions from other people, even your significant other. Maybe you can go shopping together. How about a spa date? Don’t feel like going out? Why not bake together at home? It’s a great bonding moment!

Lastly, keep your expectations realistic. Therapists are right – too much expectation can be dangerous. There may be bumps along the way. But you have to accept this fact – there is no perfect relationship. Imperfections are what make us real. Whenever you feel an argument approaching, try to state some positive affirmations or self mantras to avoid potential conflict. Just tell yourself “She can really hurt me, but doesn’t mean she’s a bad person”. That’s the truth anyway.

Dear Readers

How would you describe your relationship with your mother? What are the things you do to make up for your shortcomings? We’d love to hear your story. Share your comment below.