How to Be Grateful When You Can’t

Sharon Moore July 21, 2015

You know that practising gratefulness is one of the keys to happiness. You know it is good for your mind, body and soul. You know it could make you feel instantly better. You heard many experts say that for us to have a thriving life, we need to start recognising positive things in our life and be thankful for them. But how do you do it when you just can’t? Your partner just broke up with you. Your dog died. You lost your job. How do you go about practising gratefulness when you are going through a difficult experience?

Feeling grateful when you are dealing with all sorts of problems is never easy. Even though you try harder, it wouldn’t just happen in a snap. Citing 10 things to be grateful for does not always work when you don’t feel it on a core level. You will just find yourself feeling sadder and helpless.

So how do you become grateful when you can’t just feel it?

Realise that action trumps thought. How can you feel grateful when you have all these negative thoughts swirling in your head? How do you focus on positive memories when the only thing you can see are the problems and negative experiences you’ve had? While you cannot control what comes in to your mind, you can certainly take over your actions. If you can’t think ‘grateful’, then opt to act ‘grateful’. Become aware of your negative thoughts and recognise that they aren’t the complete truth. Let yourself be submerged into a positive and uplifting activity, such as journaling or listening to music.

Practise self-compassion. It is hard to feel grateful when you are doing things that only harm your body. Even if you are surrounded by loving friends and family members, you can’t be fully well without helping yourself. Try to comfort yourself. Take a cold shower, dress up and go out for a coffee with a close friend. Visit a relative. Interact with nature. Work out. Participate in a charitable activity in your local community. Do not engage into activities that offer temporary relief from sadness but bring long-term harm to your physical and mental health, such as binge drinking. Comforting yourself in a positive way is a great way to spark gratitude.

Notice the small feelings of gratitude. The distress you feel can make it hard for you to notice simple yet real and feelings of gratitude. So pay attention to the fleeting moments of gratefulness, such as when your child smiles at you, your pet comes over and sits beside you, or when a stranger holds the door open for you as you enter a store. By noticing those little positive experiences, you will find yourself immediately feeling grateful.

Make gratitude a daily practise. Like courage, gratitude takes practice. If you want to experience the powerful benefits of gratefulness, you have to practise incorporating it in your life, especially during ordinary days when you are not that happy or sad. So when you are confronted with a difficult experience once more, focusing on being grateful may not be as hard as before anymore.