How ‘Neediness’ Affects Our Relationships
Being social beings, we are wired to seek care, love and attention from our families, friends and special someone. But some people develop such need based on fear of abandonment or desertion. This complex state of mind can significantly take a toll on our health, particularly our well-being.
A study published in the European Journal of Psychology, defined neediness as a ‘generalised, undifferentiated dependence on others and feelings of helplessness and fears of desertion and abandonment’. It is an unhealthy version for our desire of closeness and connectedness with other people – unhealthy in the sense that it is based on helplessness, fear and passivity. Neediness is most common among people living in co-dependent relationships where one could not carry on with his or her life without reassurance that they are being cared for and loved by their significant other.
What are the signs of neediness?
Low Self-Esteem
A very common predictor of neediness is the constant need for reassurance – a behaviour that often results from having low self-esteem. Needy people tend to fill their feelings of emptiness by relying on friendships or romantic relationships. Because they don’t have enough belief in themselves, they need other people to tell them how good they are.
Need for Excessive Contact
Needy individuals have too much fear about the possibility of their loved ones leaving them or replacing them with someone else. A needy girlfriend may send dozens of text messages or emails to her boyfriend just to know what he is doing when she already knows the answer. On the other hand, a needy boyfriend would often insist that his girlfriend stays with him as often as possible, restricting her from having quality time with friends or other people. As you may notice, these people have intense need for contact because it’s one way for them to feel ‘secured’.
Too Much Demand for Attention
Because they lack self-esteem, needy people often demand for another’s attention. And if that other person fails to give that attention, they feel hurt deeply. They tend to get ‘jealous’ when someone enters the picture. Needy people prefer one-on-one interactions to easily retain the attention they need.
Intense Need to Please Others
Even if it is not their interest, needy people will do everything to please someone else. A needy girlfriend for example, may pretend to love sports like his boyfriend does, even if in truth, she is not really interest to it.
Overcoming Neediness
Neediness can give us great pain and suffering. It’s really horrible because it makes us feel “helpless” and “powerless”. It hinders us from appreciating the kind of relationship we have, no matter how good it is. And also, neediness can keep us wanting for more and not being contented of the love we get.
Fortunately, it is possible to eliminate this undesirable behaviour. Here’s how.
Practise stress management techniques. Neediness doesn’t spring from intense need or desire for contact, but fear. It is therefore possible to counter the debilitating effects of fear using stress management techniques, such as mindful breathing, exercise and the like. Whenever the fear becomes overwhelming, go out and take a walk, run, meditate, or find something fun to do. All these can significantly reduce your chance of being needy.
Understand the root cause of your neediness. Once you have calmed down, it’s time to assess your emotions. Write down what you feel. Are you feeling needy because you feel you are alone? Or is it because you have experienced being forsaken in the past? Doing this doesn’t only help you recognise and express your needs more clearly but also allows you to tolerate such emotions.
Know what you want, and ask for it. Neediness is the opposite of connectedness. When you are needy, you are desperate for something you yourself could not even identify. Making clear requests from your partner, friend or loved one is a healthier form of dependency.
Make room for your needs. The more we try to hide our needs, the more they will bother us. It is always better to understand what our needs really are. It is also equally important that we express our needs positively, whether it’s time, love, care or attention, without burdening the feelings of others.
Try to balance everything. Make sure you also have time for things or other people in your life. You don’t have to give up everything – your social life, hobbies, goals or dreams – to secure the love and affection of someone. A balanced life gives us more joy and happiness.
What other tips or advice can you give to those who are looking to overcome their neediness? Share your insights by posting a comment below.
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