How Do You Deal with Difficult People?

Amy Taylor May 30, 2013

It is a fact of life that there are people who are really hard to get along with. You’ll find some of them in your workplace, in school, in the neighbourhood, and sometimes, in your very own home. The way you deal with them can greatly affect many aspects of your life, including your health and well-being.

Why you shouldn’t fight back

Difficult people come in many kinds. You’ll meet those who are very defensive – people who are super quick to take offense when all you want is to offer them help or advice. They can be irritating sometimes especially when they ask you to say an honest opinion but when you say something they don’t want to hear, they will erupt and feel devastated. Some people won’t take any “no”, “but”, or “what if” from you. They could be your insensitive boss or that power tripping colleague who thinks too high of himself.

Remarks from difficult people can make us feel insulted, angry and totally infuriated. Whilst our initial response is probably to defend ourselves and prove that we are correct, it isn’t really the best thing to do.

Before that simple conversation turns into a heated argument, here are the things you can do:

Try not to take it personally.

Sometimes, people are difficult not because they want to but because it’s who they are. Your boss might have said insulting things at you. But he or she could be doing the same to anyone else in the office. Sure you can’t change that person’s attitude but you can change how you perceive his or her actions and learn to not let them get through you.

Ask what makes him or her upset.

Difficult people have very strong opinions. Some of these are true but others are wrong. When you are being attacked with an irrational accusation, ask rather than drop words and defend yourself. Ask the person what exactly he or she is upset about to show your intention to communicate, not to argue. This way, you are putting back the burden of responsibility to that difficult person.

Agree with a fact about the criticism.

So your highly competitive colleague is trying to criticise you and accuse you of being incompetent and untrustworthy. Ask him or her in what way you became incompetent or untrustworthy, admit any other criticisms that person may direct towards you but make sure to correct his or her accusations. There’s nothing wrong with explaining your side. For example, you can say “It is true that I made a mistake but…”

Resist the urge to fight.

When we’re mad and all, we tend to say things that have no basis, a fact that make us regret our actions after we calmed down and assessed the situation. Instead of starting an argument, it’s better to make use of the Socratic Method to defend yourself. This involves listening and asking questions that lead a person to his or her own conclusion.

Step back a little.

Lastly, don’t think that you can create a functional, relaxed, trusting and mutually satisfying relationship with difficult people because you just can’t. Creating a harmonious relationship requires two human beings, not just you alone. Unless that person changes, the best thing you can do is to step back a little and keep your distance.

Do you have friends, co-workers or family members who are highly defensive? How do you deal with them? We’d love to hear your thoughts. Share a comment below.