How Couples can Deal with an Affair

Patrick McCurry Counselling, Psychotherapy in Eastbourne May 10, 2013

An affair is one of the most devastating events for any couple. Frequently, it ends the relationship or at least leads to the ‘wounded partner’ losing trust and becoming emotionally withdrawn.

When an affair comes to light, it can be extremely painful for both parties. But the paradox is that an affair can potentially lead to the changes a couple needs to improve their relationship. This is because, in many cases, the person who has the affair may be unconsciously trying to communicate something to their partner about things in the relationship that are not working.

This is by no means to excuse the person who has the affair from the responsibility. Of course, he or she may have hurt their partner deeply. But an affair usually highlights deeper problems in a relationship and can prompt the couple to really look at their life together.

John, for example, may find himself working longer hours to support a young family. At the same time he may be feeling a bit left out by the attention his wife, Samantha, gives to their small children. If John is not really in touch with or comfortable with these feelings of exclusion or neglect, he is likely to shrug them off. By not acknowledging them and talking to his wife about his feelings, John is more susceptible to seeking the love and attention he is missing from another woman. When Samantha finds out she gets horrified – hurt and angry. How could John be seeing someone else while she is looking after their family?

Couples therapy can give both partners a space to express their thoughts and feelings. Samantha can express her rage and hurt. John may respond by feeling guilty or defensive. The challenge for the couple is to really look beneath these feelings at what the affair can teach them about their relationship. It may turn out that it was not just John feeling neglected in the relationship – Samantha may have been feeling lonely and depressed taking care of the children for long periods on her own, or juggling a job with childcare.

The more that the two can be encouraged to really listen to each other’s experience, the more compassion they can develop. They will also be learning new skills around recognising what they are feeling and having the courage to communicate these feelings to their partner.

Dear Readers,

In what other ways does counselling help a couple improve their relationship? Share your insights by posting a comment below.