Harnessing Empathy towards a Fulfilling Relationship
Just like trust, empathy is crucial to a romantic relationship. Without it, a couple could not survive. That’s because empathy requires compassion which two people in love need to create a strong bond. That bond, then, acts like a glue. Without it, everything simply falls apart.
What is Empathy?
Most of us are familiar with the idea that empathy is “putting ourselves in other people’s shoes”. That is, it is the ability to view things in someone else’s perspective. Sounds simple but it’s often hard to do. Empathy is a skill that takes courage, strength and risk to master. Psychologist Paul Ekman categorises empathy into three types: cognitive, emotional and compassionate. Cognitive empathy is sometimes referred to as “perspective taking”. It is when a person can imagine how someone is feeling, but they don’t feel their emotions. Cognitive empathy allows us to appreciate someone else’s feelings without feeling them or losing sight of whose feelings are whose.
The second type, emotional empathy, is when you do feel the same or similar feelings as the other person. For example, you feel happy when your partner is happy.
Nevertheless, these two types of empathy can be used in negative ways. For example, someone can use cognitive empathy to get manipulative, whilst a person who takes on his/her partner’s emotions could experience burnout.
Compassionate empathy, on the other hand, is a balance of positive cognitive and emotional empathy. For instance, a messy partner who has compassionate empathy is able to realise that it can be distressing for their significant other to deal with their mess, so they modify their behaviour.
Beyond Words
Empathising is more than taking another person’s point of view or experiencing what the other person feels. Another important aspect of empathy is the behaviour consistent with that empathic position. So when you say to your partner “I feel your pain”, that is not enough to show empathy. For instance, if a partner is complaining about doing all the house works, apart from acknowledging it, the other should also do something to ease the emotional pain that he/she feels. This can be done by taking part of some household chores.
Fostering Empathy in Your Relationship
Research shows that displaying empathy with romantic partners can lead to more fulfilling relationships. In a 2012 study published in the Journal of Family Psychology, researchers found that partners’ relationship satisfaction increased when they perceived that their partner was making an effort to read what they were thinking and feeling, regardless of the level of accuracy.
Empathy seems to come easily for some partners. But for others, showing it is easier said than done. Fortunately, there are ways in which partners can learn how to empathise with one another. While there isn’t one recipe that guarantees partners’ empathy in every situation, the following strategies can be of great help:
Practise self-compassion.
It’s hard to empathise with other people if we can’t empathise with ourselves. It is very important that above all things, we practise self-compassion which means treating ourselves with kindness, care and understanding.
Be mindful of your signals.
A big challenge in showing empathy is getting entangled into our own perspective. When you’re unable to process your partner’s point of view, consider paying attention to what feels different in your body. For example, check if your chest feels tight or your muscles feel tensed.
Pay genuine attention to your partner.
By doing this, you are taking action to understand your partner.
Look at the bright side.
Often partners get into the habit of focusing on what’s wrong with their partner or their life in general. But this attitude can hinder them from showing empathy. To boost your empathic self, look at your partner in a positive way. Pay more attention to his/her good qualities rather than his/her imperfections and shortcomings.
Empathy is necessary for a relationship to survive. But it is not enough that we learn to acknowledge our partner’s feelings. We should also do something to make them feel better and not alone. If you are having a hard time showing empathy, consider following the said tips and suggestions and make your romantic relationship more meaningful and fulfilling.
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