Expectations: One Big Barrier to Happiness

Amy Taylor August 29, 2014

The biggest disappointments in life are not really our failures. Often, they are a result of misplaced expectations.

Maybe you have experienced it before. You expected a dear friend to stay with you through a difficult situation, but he or she wasn’t there and that make you hold grudges against that person. You expected your mum to understand you, but she didn’t so you started hating her. You expected your partner to accept you for who you are, but he or she wants some part of you to change, and you felt unloved. You expected to make it big in your business venture, but it didn’t so you felt you are a failure.

Expectation vs. Hope

You probably have heard this many times: “Expect the worst, hope for the best.” In his book The Awakened Heart, Dr Gerald May, a US psychiatrist for 25 years, defines expectation as a “rigid clinging to unreal belief.” Expectation is demanding exactly what we want to happen regardless of what is actually happening. That means even if we know that it may not be possible, we still hold on to that belief that it is. And because of this, expectation is also rigid. It doesn’t change when it has to, leaving the person stuck in a dark place. That means we hold on to them. Some people can’t give it up. Some won’t let it go.

Hope on the other hand is much different. While expectation is assuming that something will happen, hope is wishing that something will happen. Unlike the latter, hope is flexible. It changes depending on the situation, and responds well to it. And since hope comes with uncertainty, it does not die when it goes unmet. So when things don’t go the way you hoped for, it doesn’t lead to disappointment. It doesn’t discourage you. You still find yourself hoping.

The Secret to Happiness

A recent study by the University College of London indicates that the secret to happiness is setting low expectations. As lead author and neuroscientist Robb Rutledge puts it, “Happiness depends not on how well things are going but whether things are going better or worse than expected.”

“We find that there is some truth to this: Lower expectations make it more likely that an outcome will exceed those expectations and have a positive impact on happiness.”

It’s not that you should walk around gloomy all of the time. Having expectations at all for a lunch date with a friend for instance, can lift your spirits as soon as you start planning out, Rutledge explained. But anticipating the greatest meal of your life could result in feeling pretty disappointed. In the first part of the study, 26 subjects made decisions that led to financial wins or losses, while being monitored by an MRI machine. After analysing the brain scans, researchers found that it was not the amount of total money or points won that mattered — it was how winning or losing stacked up to expectations formed during past experiences.

So there you have it. If you want to be happier, lower your expectations. Expect no good things to come to you. This doesn’t mean you should be all negative. In fact, not expecting is one of the positive traits of optimistic people. They are cheerful because they are able to hope for the best, but still see good things even in worse situations.

Low expectation is especially beneficial for building and maintaining relationship with others. We appreciate our friends and family more for every single thing they do for us, when we are not driven by expectations. We’re happier to accept other people’s difficult behaviours when we expect less from them. Not only will we become happier, we will also become more compassionate towards others.

So there you have it. If you want to be happier and more compassionate in life, lower your expectations. With less expectation, there’s greater happiness and fewer disappointments.