Do Children Really Need to Be Praised?
“Good job!”, “Awesome”, “What a beautiful picture!” – We often hear parents say these things to their children. Praise is used to encourage someone (in this case, a child) to continue with his or her positive behaviours or actions. But then, many people, including those from the scientific community, have questioned the purpose and effectiveness of praise.
Alfie Kohn, author of “Punished by Rewards, and Unconditional Parenting”, believes that praising children is not a good parenting technique. His argument is that praising children is a form of “control’. For instance, parents praise their kids for drawings because they want their kids to continue working hard, and to do good work. Whilst there’s nothing wrong with wanting their children to work hard and do good, his contention is that children should do good work because of the positive feeling it provides, and not just to earn from parents or teachers.
Kohn also categorises praise as a form of ‘extrinsic’ reward, such as money, tokens and grades. So for instance, if a child practises piano, the intrinsic reward would be the knowledge and skill on playing piano. Praising him or giving him three or five “stars” are the extrinsic reward which doesn’t provide long-term benefits to the child.
From his perspective, praise is like sugar. It is something that children crave for but could be harmful to them in the long run.
So should parents totally forget about praising their children?
Kenneth Barish, PhD., author of “Pride and Joy: A Guide to Understanding Your Child’s Emotions and Solving Family Problems” disagrees. According to him, praise is something that everyone, even adults, need and would love to hear from others. No matter how self-reliant an individual is, the opinions of others matter a lot to him or her. For Barish, praise is not a form of control, but a form of “encouragement”. When a child draws a picture, plays an instrument, or works hard in school – whenever they are proud of what they have done – they look up to their parents not only for their interest but also for their approval. They want their parents to know whether they like their work or not.
If for Kohn praise is like sugar that triggers addiction, for Barish and all other proponents of praise, it is an essential nutrient. Certainly not the most essential one, but something a person could not do without. Like a warm embrace, praise provides comfort when a child is disappointed or sad, or when he or she is overwhelmed with discouragement and self-doubt. Praise is also a way for parents to communicate with their children and let them know what values their children has that they support and admire.
Praise may be essential to children. But then, just like all the good things, too much of praise can be harmful. It is common for children to want the approval of their parents or guardians because for them, their parents are their inspiration. Knowing that their parents are proud of them provides a deep, lasting emotional comfort that children will carry through adulthood.
But how much is too much? A lot of mums and dads struggle with this issue when it comes to praising their children. Whilst there’s no exact formula, experts suggest that understanding when, where and how to praise children is an essential tool in raising confident kids with a healthy sense of self-esteem. According to Jenn Berman, PhD, the author of “The A to Z Guide to Raising Happy and Confident Kids” many parents have become “praise junkies”. They think they are helping their kids build self-confidence by heaping portions of praise, but they are doing just the opposite. Berman and other experts agree that the quality, not the quantity of praise is much more important.
Praising the effort, not the outcome, is a good way to praise children. For instance, your son may not be the best baseball player in town but if he is someone who spends hours out there shooting baskets, running drills, and playing hard – he is worth praising even if his team wins or loses because what he did is something that is above and beyond the norm, explained Paul Donahue, PhD, author of “Parenting Without Fear: Letting Go of Worry and Focusing on What Really Matters”. Donahue discourages the use of financial incentives when praising children (i.e. telling them that you will give them money if they aced their school exam). Basically, parents want their children to be self-motivated. In the given example, a child becomes less likely to be motivated not by positive feelings of success but more by financial reward.
Praising children is important in enhancing their self-esteem. It is something that a person would always need throughout his or her lifetime. Being praised by people they look up to and respect gives children a sense of accomplishment and belief in their own talents and abilities. But just like all the good things, too much of praise can be detrimental to their well-being. It is important that children are praised for their effort, not the outcome of their work. Your daughter may not have drawn a perfect sun, tree or flower but if she has spent hours sketching and erasing it to be able to make a good one and worked hard to make it better, she deserves to be praised. It is also important that parents praise their children when they really mean it. Praising is not given not just to let a child know you are proud of him or her, but also to let them know you recognise the value of their hard work and efforts.
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