Crocodile Tears, Counselling and Sociopathy
Mention the word sociopath and most people will immediately conjure up visions of some of the world’s most notorious serial killers. Whilst it is highly likely that many notorious killers are sociopathic, it is a common misconception to think that all sociopaths are killers, most are not locked up behind bars, but more likely to be living in our street, working in the bank, or standing on the school playground.
Martha Stout, PhD, author of ‘The Sociopath Next Door’ estimates that between 3 and 4% of the population in the US are sociopathic, a severe personality disorder for which the main behavioural traits are persistent lying, deceit, lack of conscience, unwillingness to recognise the rights of others, accompanied with excessive charm and ability to manipulate and control, they make the perfect predator. Think of the famous line from the film Twilight where the predatory vampire uses the line ‘everything about me draws you in’, like a leopard in the jungle, they have an uncanny ability to ‘blend in’, avoiding detection, often appearing to be charismatic and, most frighteningly, genuine, when they are anything but.
Often found operating in the grey area between legal and illegal, but just as easily found in respectable professions, the sociopath takes great delight in wreaking havoc in their victim’s lives. They let nothing stand in their way and will go to almost any length to get what they want, or to ‘win’ at all costs. We all know of someone who has been ‘taken in’ by a con man or woman, who left them penniless after they signed their house over to them, and got left with a pile of debts, or of the romantic charmer, who having pledged his/her undying love to the object of their affections, turned out to be married, with another three ‘partners’ on the go. We console ourselves with thinking that it could never happen to us, but if we think that we would be easily able to spot such a person, we would be best to think again!
Sociopaths are brilliant actors; they can easily feign emotions, even turning on the tears for sympathy. Although they possess no genuine emotions, they quickly learn how to mimic them to great effect. They are able to exploit our naturally trusting nature, portraying themselves as kind and caring, showing great interest in us, making us feel good about ourselves, and therefore leading us to let our guard down. They appeal to our most primal of instincts, the ability to bond with another human being, to love and to trust.
Never showing any remorse whatsoever for their actions, so an apology will be out of the question, nor do they acknowledge the devastation that they leave in their wake. They are never the perpetrators, they are the victims, according to them, if they hit you it was because you made them do it, if they cheat it was because they were afraid they were going to lose you.
When finally rumbled, or when their victim is literally at breaking point, to add to their woes, they will often attempt to blacken the character of the person that they have targeted, in an attempt to cover their tracks, avoid discovery and to undermine the credibility of the persons character, making them out to be ‘crazy’ or unstable in some capacity, and therefore not to be believed.
This is by no means an extensive profile of the sociopath, there are many superb articles covering the subject in existence. However, anyone who has had a run in with such an individual will describe it as ‘like being hit by a sledgehammer’ or like ‘being wrung out like a wet rag.’ It can take months or even years to make a full recovery from their experience. So where do they go to for understanding and support? Their well-meaning friends will most likely tell them to ‘move on’ or ‘get over it’, but it really isn’t that simple. Their story may sound unbelievable, or they may feel stupid or gullible.
Another aspect of the sociopathic personality is that he or she will often try to ‘leave the door open’ at the chance of a future reconciliation, usually when their victim will be of some use to them again, to provide housing, money or sex. When involved romantically with a sociopath, you can unwittingly enter a cycle of abuse, alternating between abusive behaviour and declarations of undying love, and of empty promises, ‘it won’t happen again’ or ‘we’re so alike, you’ll never find a relationship as good as this’. The reality is that this person is unlikely to change, and to think that they will or can is delusional and possibly even dangerous.
According to experts in this field, there is one way and one way only to deal with a sociopath, to get them out of your life as quickly as you can, permanently, and only then can you begin the sometimes long and painful healing process. It can take great courage and resolve to do this, and the temptation will exist for some time to go back, remembering only the good parts, blanking out the abuse and bad times. The help of an understanding therapist can be invaluable at this time, someone who really understands, empathises, and can offer a lifeline of support. A good counsellor or psychotherapist, who understands this subject, who is able to step into the client’s world, can help them see that there is light at the end of the tunnel, no matter how dark or dismal it may appear.
‘You cannot cure him with your love. You cannot change yourself and expect him to be satisfied. You cannot make him understand how you feel and how much he hurts you. He really doesn’t care. (All of this applies to female sociopaths as well as male.)’ Martha Stout, The Sociopath next Door’
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