Can’t Get Over a Bad Experience? Here’s what to Do

Sharon Moore February 19, 2014

Reflecting on past mistakes and dilemmas can be helpful at times as it allows you to think of ways to stop it from happening again in the future. But constantly obsessing over negative emotions, also called rumination, can cause havoc in your mental health, lead to unhappiness, and prevent you from moving on with your life.

It is natural for us to think about negative experiences more often than the positive ones. Experts call it the “negativity bias”. We get this habit from our ancestors who were exposed to real threats almost 24 hours a day. But in the present times, there are fewer threats. Furthermore, a study by Yale University suggests that rumination is associated with a variety of negative consequences, such as depression, anxiety, substance abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, substance abuse and binge-eating.

So what can you do to stop ruminating? Consider the following tips.

Know what your fears are. Constant rumination may be an effect of our persistent fears. Maybe you can’t stop thinking about the poor performance rating you got from your boss because you fear about losing your job or looking ‘fool’ to others. List down the things – including emotions and situations you fear the most. If you find it hard to identify them, one great strategy is to start journaling. This allows you to identify your thought ‘patterns’ and figure out your underlying fears.

Let go of what you can’t control. There are things you can change, it’s true. But there are also things that you cannot change. If you don’t have the power or control to change the situation, let it go. Simply focus on those that you can control, set small achievable goals, and make appropriate changes.

Go for a walk. If those thoughts won’t go away, get up from your desk and get some good walk. A change of scenery can disrupt rumination and change your perspective. Walking is a great physical activity too. And as you may know, exercise triggers the release of ‘feel-good’ chemicals in your brain, resulting to better mood and reduced negativity.

Schedule a worry break. Don’t let your worries paralyse you throughout the day. If you can’t help but ruminate, schedule a specific time for it. When the thought of a negative experience is bugging you, tell yourself that you will have the time to contemplate on it. This way, worrying won’t interfere with your daily activities, especially at work.

Be mindful. Enjoying coffee with a friend can be disrupted if your mind is bombarded with undesirable thoughts. Many people spend a lot of time ruminating about past experiences and future plans, but very little time on the present moment. Practising mindfulness is a great way to reduce overthinking and increase your ‘sensing’ abilities of the here and now. Mindfulness does not only enhance your sense of well-being but also allows you to fully enjoy significant moments in your life.

Look at mistakes as learning opportunities. “The quickest way to find success is to fail over and over again.” says David Burns, Ph.D., assistant professor at Stanford University, and author of Feeling Good. If you look at mistakes as downfalls, you won’t be able to find the hidden message. You won’t learn and you are more likely to repeat the same mistake. But if you look at it as a learning opportunity, you just don’t lessen the rumination, you also increase the chances of succeeding on your next attempt.

If those ruminative thoughts are so profound that they are already interfering with your daily life, now is probably the time to seek professional help. There are different therapies that can help you overcome rumination. They include counselling, hypnotherapy and cognitive behavioural therapy. A well-trained therapist can teach you the skills and techniques necessary to overcome negative thoughts and excessive worries, and become more optimistic in life.