6 Things that Drive Our Fear of Love and Intimacy

Amy Taylor January 20, 2014

After studies suggesting that most divorce filings and couple separations take place on January, a lot of people now call it the “Breakup Season”. Relationship is often a complicated kind of connection. At one time you are happy (like you are the happiest person on earth!) and at another you’re like the saddest person and you feel like giving up. You may have gone through several breakups already or you have seen many people who have gone through it that you somehow become afraid of falling in love. But what exactly, are the things that drive our fear of intimacy? Let’s find out.

New love reminds you of past hurts. You may not know it but the painful experiences you have gone through in the past, from your childhood to adulthood, strongly impact how you behave in a romantic relationship. You may think that you have already moved on from your previous relationship and you’re more than ready to enter a new one only to find out that you still feel deeply hurt and loss when confronted with the same issues. One common reason why we steer away from intimacy is because it stirs up old feelings of hurt, neglect, anger or rejection.

Love makes you feel vulnerable. Many people think that the more they care, the more they become susceptible to being hurt. This is partly true. Allowing yourself to fall in love involves a great risk because it requires putting your trust to that person. That means you also allow them to affect you, thus, you become vulnerable.

Relationship could take you away from your family.

And even friends. Being in a relationship is one sign that you are growing up, and that you are headed to being an independent, autonomous individual. But this doesn’t mean giving up your family. The separation isn’t physical, but more on the emotional level – like no longer feeling like a kid.

Real love stirs real joy and real pain. In love, we can expect to experience great joy, at the same time, sadness. Just like what they say – ‘there is no perfect relationship’. Even long-term couples fight and argue from time to time. But that’s normal. The most important thing is that they make an effort to address such problems and resolve them.

It stirs our existential fears. Love makes us appreciate and value life even more. When that person becomes a part of you, you become afraid that losing that person could mean losing the value of your existence. Some people, to cover up their existential fears, focus on superficial concerns, argue with their partners almost every hour of the day, and in worse cases, give up the relationship completely.

Feelings are an ever-changing force. There are days and hours when we feel so loved and appreciated. But in a matter of seconds, we may feel angry, annoyed, rejected or unloved. But emotions are an ever-changing force. Worrying over how we will feel keeps us from seeing where our feelings would naturally go. So it is better to be open to how our feelings develop over time.

Knowing our fears about intimacy is an important step towards building a strong, lifelong relationship with whoever we choose to be with. Denying these fears could sabotage our relationship, and make us more vulnerable to repeated cycles of hurt. If you have fears about love and you think they are affecting your current relationship or preventing you from having one, consider tackling it today with your trusted therapist. By giving yourself a chance to further explore yourself as a romantic partner, you are increasing your likelihood of having a happy and fulfilling relationship.