5 Suggestions for a Happy Relationship

Ms Jude Fay - AnneLeigh Counselling & Psychotherapy Counselling in Naas March 24, 2015

Couples come to therapy because they are unhappy with something that has happened, or that is happening in their relationship. Sometimes there has been infidelity, or addiction, or some other form of betrayal. Sometimes there are sexual or communications problems. Sometimes they’re arguing a lot. Sometimes it’s less obvious, a sense that the spark has gone, that what brought them together has faded.

Some problems are inevitable. It’s rare that couples sail unscathed through their relationship with no hiccoughs at all. Sometimes the seeds of problems are sown years before the couple meet, and are lying dormant beneath the surface. And some can be avoided.

Working with couples has taught me the importance of making happiness in the relationship an intention. It doesn’t happen on its own. Happiness needs to be sought and nurtured. Like tending a garden, if you plant flowers, you get flowers, but if you ignore the weeds, they can choke those flowers out, and take over.

So in this post, I’m going to give you a few suggestions about how to create happiness in your relationship. I’m sure there are others, but here are five to start with!

Have fun!

Most people come to relationship and marriage because they believe it will make them happy. Being in love is fun. Doing things together is fun. And yet, so often when couples settle down or move in together, having fun seems to be overtaken by other things. If children come along, the emphasis naturally moves towards the practical tasks of parenting, and can move away from each other. Whether you do or don’t have children, don’t forget to have fun together!

Make a point of doing things together that are fun. Have sex. Make jokes. Do things that make you smile, and do things that make your partner smile. Enjoy the best of each other.

Remember You Live in Different Universes

I’m not talking “Men are from Mars” and “Women are from Venus” here. I mean that everyone has a unique perspective. Everyone sees the world in their own particular way. Everyone brings to their relationship the sum of all their experiences since birth, the values and beliefs and assumptions they’ve gathered along the way, and all their fears and concerns and hopes and aspirations. All that adds up to a way of seeing things that might be very different from how their partner sees them. The rules in your house may have been very different from the rules in mine.

So who’s right? Tricky question, because it’s unlikely that getting into adjudicating over whose view of the world is more valid will bring you closer to happiness.

Try instead to adopt a view that all perspectives are valid, even if you don’t agree with them. In relationships, it’s not so much the differences between you that cause the problems, but how you deal with the differences between you. Let your uniqueness bring colour to your relationship, not dissention.

Open Communication

Good communication is at the heart of a happy relationship. What is good communication? Try telling your partner how you feel about their behaviour, rather than what they’ve done wrong! For example: “When you speak to me like that, I feel worthless;” or “When you don’t let me know you’re going to be out late, I worry that something has happened to you.”

If you want something from them, ask for it directly: “I’d love it if you told me more often that you love me;” or “If you’re going to be late, I’d appreciate a text to let me know.”

Good listening is part of good communication. You can listen to agree, or listen to disagree, or you can listen to hear the other person. Sometimes when people tell us what’s happening for them, we try to fix it, we give them a solution. Remember, your partner may not be looking for you to solve their problem, they may just be looking for you to listen, and acknowledge them. So, listen to what they’re actually saying and let them know that you’ve heard. Acknowledging the other person is a profound gift to them.

5 Flowers for Every Weed

Research suggests that in order to flourish, we need between 5 and 7 positive experiences to balance each negative one. Remember the flowers and weeds I talked about earlier?

In the garden of your relationship, you need to focus on creating flowers, not weeds. The flowers in relationships are: understanding, goodwill, tolerance, allowing, appreciation, gratitude, laughter, humour, support, and joy. The weeds are: criticism, blame, judgement, withholding, harshness, cruelty, and contempt.

In many troubled relationships, the weeds are tended and the flowers are trampled underfoot, if they are planted at all. Plant, tend and nourish the flowers in your relationship. Make a point of planting five flowers for every weed. Find a way of coping with the weeds! If you don’t, they’ll take over.

Remind yourself every day of the five Reasons why you wanted to be in this relationship. Whether you’re talking about learning a skill or ability, or you’re talking about being in a relationship remember that momentum builds. The more you practice, the better you get. And where relationships are concerned you can build your momentum on your partner’s flaws, or you can build on their strengths.

No one is all bad or all good. But when you’re focussed on the negative it can seem like that’s all there is. What you look for you’ll find, and the more you focus on the flaws or the problems, the more problems you’ll see and create. I’m not suggesting that you deny issues between you, or pretending that things are okay if they’re not. I’m saying make a point of looking for what pleases you, and remind yourself each day why you wanted to be with your partner. As you look for what pleases you, you’ll see and create more of that.

So there you have it – my five suggestions for creating a happy relationship. I suppose they could really be incorporated into one: Make happiness in your relationship your goal, and take responsibility for creating it. And if you are really struggling, get professional help early on. It will help you to iron out the creases before they get too sharp.

Jude Fay, MIAHIP MIACP is a counsellor and psychotherapist practising in Naas and Celbridge, Co Kildare.